The Epiphany of a 40lb Pussy

This is the second article in the story about Ant Mac’s FM career.

Before you read this, I should point out that some people might find this highly offensive both in terms of the language used and the images. So if you are easily offended or don’t like explicit graphical content then you really should avoid this FM story and click off the page now due to the content being offensive along with offensive images.

This is written by guest author @AcidBurnTNA and is a glimpse into the back story behind his Football Manager 2017 character. It’s different to anything else you’ll have read about Football Manager I’ll guarantee you that. Be sure to give him a follow on his twitter account above if you have questions or enjoyed his story.

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Hi, I’m Ege Sağın and welcome to tonight’s show its August 29th 2076 and we’re beaming directly into your head and visual entertainment Google goggles, that’s right folks there’s no escaping us once you flip that switch. We’ve got a packed show tonight, first up we have Mervin Mac, grandson of legendary pervert, football player and manager Ant Mac. He’s here to read segments from Ant Mac’s autobiography which focuses on his first season as a manager in Thailand at Muangthong United.

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Then we look into the fascinating situation of Alex Serge, a man who paid a great deal of money to have his Kangaroo’s genetics manipulated so he can engage in sexual activities with it and it can bare his humanish children,. He’s also taking the Australian government to court as he tries to install a law allowing him to marry his Kangaroo and not go to jail for bestiality.

After that we’ll have a full run down of all the action from this week’s Frijj British Premier League football. Can TNS keep up their great run of form after beating Man Utd, Yeovil, Arsenal and Red Bull Crewe in their opening games? Also a look ahead to Sporting Dublin’s big match against Celtic and then defending champions Athletico Rhyl take on last seasons runners-up Whitchurch Alport.

We take a long hard look at the effect Lee Cattermole’s run as FIFA president had on football, including his controversial decision to hold the next World Cup on Russian moon base Alpha. Of course we’ll delve into his suspicious death on the moon base moments after announcing them as World Cup hosts.

mervin-mac

But first I’d like to welcome Mervin Mac to the show, how are you today?

Mac – I’m fine.

Ege Sağın – So this book entitled The Perverted Poacher focuses on the managerial side of your grandfather’s career?

Mac – Yep and I’ll be reading out his experiences of his first season in charge in Thailand. We’re so glad that one year after his death this book has finally been released.

Ege Sağın – For those that don’t know what were the circumstances of your grandfather’s death?

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Mac – He died as he lived, attempting 100 lines of cocaine on his 100th Birthday locked in a 6 star hotel with 6 call girls, however his heart couldn’t take it and he died during sex.

Ege Sağın – Wasn’t this book due out two decades ago but was blocked by then FIFA president Lee Cattermole?

Mac- It was but he’s dead now so who’s the real winner?

Long Pause

Ege Sağın – Okaaayyyy, so let’s get straight to it and you can start reading out the book for our viewers. Right folks what will happen is Melvin here will read out a few pages but between these pages we’ll hear some adverts from our sponsors, I mean someones gotta pay for this crap right?

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The Perverted Poacher                                                                                                            Page 11

I’d just been named manager of Muangthong United, I’d escaped the controversey of my wife’s murder and those other two bodies and we all know how that turned out. I’d always wanted to be a manager and thanks to the King of Thailand I was allowed to play and manage the team as well. So I sat down with the players and set out some basic tactics with me at the focal point of a narrow 433, obviously. We breezed pre season with win after win against the local fish farmers or whoever they were then came real competitions.

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The Asian Champions League a chance to play the best the continent has to offer, we were drawn in the qualifying rounds given Buriram Utd winning the league last season. This meant we faced Beijing the cheating Chinese bastards ploughing millions into football, makes me sick. I put us 1-0 up with a superb goal after just two minutes but they fought back and bagged a 3-1 win and we went crashing out at the very first hurdle.

I settled down after the match to take onboard the defeat, it was against a much better opposition so f*ck it I thought I’d stick with things the same way in the Kor Royal Super Cup which was only a few days away. We faced rivals Buriram Utd unfortunately I didn’t have the best of games and neither did anyone else we got beat 3-2 and I was 0-2 in my career in competitive games. I was distraught I got out as quick as I could and headed to the local bar.

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The barman Daniel Gear a fellow Englishman was there to hear my sorrows his response was to drown them but then again he was the one selling the alcohol. Then he came out with a suggestion that I’ll never forget six simple words – Why Not Visit Big Momma June?

Who the hell is Big Momma June I asked, he then handed me a card and told me that many a defeated man had seeked solace and inspiration in the company of Momma June. She lived in a temple on the outskirts of Bangkok. Thailand’s premiere whore, a woman known to provide inspiration to many a man in their darkest hours. I necked another three shots and headed out into the darkened gloomy sometimes dangerous streets to find Momma June.

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The Perverted Poacher                                                                                                           Page 12

I grabbed a taxi and headed to the address that pervert Gear had given me, sure enough there was a crumbly looking temple about as big as a garden shed. I was greeted by two monks in red cloaks, they told me to come in and led me down a spiral staircase which opened up into a huge room with ornate pillars all around.

At the far end hanging from the roof were some silk curtains, the monks drew the curtains back and all was revealed. They revealed a formidable sight 450 pounds of chocolate flesh willing and waiting. I paid my money and she carried me to the bed. Things started quickly as our bodies become a 700 pound mound of gyrating sweaty flesh, she rolled on top (somehow) and as her enormity rode me she trust her arms out and her bingo wings fell into place like a massive sweaty angel of flesh. It was there that it clicked, I need wingbacks!

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As we became one I mounted her from behind not an easy task, then it hit me like a cumshot in a Sasha Grey’s face. I knew I had to handle football like I handled a 40 pound pussy, I had to attack, attack attack!

In the middle of her rolls of sexual dark chocolate fat I saw her hairy deep dark belly button it was as if the football God’s had placed their knowledge inside a 40 pound pussy. I knew what I had to do it had come to me during the vinegar strokes and as I climaxed I screamed four words that would change everything, SONGKRASIN IN THE HOLE.

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After drawing inspiration from Big Momma June we never looked back. We switched tactics to a 5-2-1-2 or a 5-3-1-2 or a 3-2-2-1-2 or ah well you get the point. Songkrasin was superb playing behind mainly me and Xisco who I couldn’t stand mainly because he’d played for Newcastle. Still we formed a great partnership and after 24 matches the league looked won, maybe it was the tactical change but the team we’d lost to in the Kor Royal Cup we smashed 5-0. We had 37 shots they had 3 it was televised rape.

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The next 26 games were crazy goals, goals, goals, and with just 26 matches gone we had won the league. I was starting to think maybe it’s not me maybe it’s them, the Thai league just wasn’t very good watching them attack was like watching a spastic having a wank, you know he’s gonna shoot everywhere but he’s not getting anything on target unless his mum helps him. As for the defending well I guess that’s like a retard going to prison, he’ll wander round confused and no matter what he does he’s getting penetrated.

results

It was almost as if someone had overrated me on a computer game and couldn’t be bothered to restart after I had bagged 37 goals in just 16 league games and 47 in 23 total. Xisco my main strike partner had 20 in 20. Songkrasin was developing nicely 31 games 15 goals and 14 assists. All round we were on fire.

The scenes of joy were ruined for me as I sat in the club bar drinking and celebrating I was approached by Cleiton Silva and Michael N’Dri.

tom

I’m Tom and I’m here to let you know there’s another way to release the tension you feel every day. For years on end I was a punch bag at work and at home my kids didn’t respect me, my work mates hated me. I was a 110 pounds scrawny, defeated, pathetic, pissbag but not any more.

Due to the worldwide free movement and trade deal all major nations signed in 2069 the UK has become over run with people from all over the world. So the government gave clearance to a “population control” law. I went to the bank and took out a loan for £40,000, I mean f*ck my kids and f*ck their inheritance.

I got the teleportation tube to London and headed straight to the lawless building, here I paid my money over and for 12 hours I had a free reign to kill. Population control placed several unarmed people from many exotic lands inside a building where people willing to pay could kill them.

Now people look at me differently, my wife and kids scared sh*tless, my work mates treat me with respect now they know I’ve killed. Most of all I feel great and my life is back on track, now I just need another £40,000 and I can visit the place again!

The Perverted Poacher                                                                                                           Page 13

Silva and N’Dri walked straigh up to me and spoke at the same time

“Boss we’re unhappy here.”

“Alright the freaky bastards one at a time, you N’Dri what’s wrong?” I replied.

“I’m homesick I just want to go back to France” He said with a sad look in his eyes.

“Well you’re shocking as a player so you might as well f*ck off, Silva what’s your problem?”

“You’re my problem”

“Watch your mouth boy”

“You drink, you have much sex with much women and you take drugs, you’re a disgrace to football and to make matter worse you pick yourself instead of me. I deserve first team football and if you don’t give it me I’ll inform my teammat……………………….”

That’s as far as he got before I head butted him, he fell to the ground and rolled around for about 2 minutes I think he thought he’d just been tackled on the football pitch the f*cking Brazilian c*nt.

That wasn’t the end of things, I was fined two months wages and Silva had his contract paid up and was allowed to leave on a free transfer. To be fair at the time I couldn’t give a f*ck and right now I still don’t give a f*ck. We had me, Xisco and Thai international Dangda all playing well. It was a good sign that the two of the front three were Thai players and they were playing well. When I’d started here I thought I’d have to use the limited foreign player spaces for mainly attacking players but given that I’d been “awarded” Thai nationality we had space to use them for defenders and maybe a midfielder.

I was called into the boardroom the day after we’d been out celebrating the title win. The board said they’d always expected the team to be able to win the league and were glad I’d delivered the title they craved after a few years of watching Buriram win it. They said they’d award me with a £2.5 million transfer budget for next season and £10k in spare wages.

I left the room feeling good and now it was just a case of finishing off the cup games and those final league matches. Even though there was a long way to go I was already looking forward to next season. Now however was not the time to get distracted, two cups still up for grabs and a possible “invincible” season as well.

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Since 2064 and the invention of the warp drive allowing space travel beyond our solar system the US army has been exploring space. I’m Major Chris Emmanuel and I’d like to ask you if you’d like to join humanity as it ventures beyond the stars.

Do you like the idea of fighting impossible odds against giant insects?

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Do you like being shouted at for no reason by an overly macho drill sergeant?

Do you like being under equipped to deal with strange alien worlds?

Do you like a high chance of becoming a hero but a low chance of returning home?

Do you want to be all that you can be?

Do you like the idea of sexy alien women who need some good old American love?

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Maybe you’d like the chance to seduce a sexy alien woman on a far away galactic space station?

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Then the US Space Corps is the place for you! Simply click the red button below through your visor and we’ll take your details within minutes. That’s right you could be balls deep in alien p*ssy within the next couple of days! You could be unloaded a barrage of laser fire into some dumb alien monster within weeks! You’ll never be the same again once you’ve experienced space and all it has to offer.

DISCLAIMER: 93% of all space recruits do not return home and of the 7% that do 91% return severely disabled or maimed or suffering from severe psycological damage. Also existence of sexy alien babes is as of yet unproven as well as sexual compatibility between two alien species being at best debatable. No Galactic space station has ever been discovered in the last 12 years of space exploration.

The Perverted Poacher                                                                                                           Page 14

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We smashed the season and despite claims in the media we wouldn’t be able to keep our heads and see through an unbeaten season we achieved it with ease. 126 goals scored and only 12 conceded what an amazing season, everyone we faced was beaten with relative ease. I’m not sure I could have wished for a better domestic league season than we experienced.

league-cup

We couldn’t match our league form in the league cup though, we scrapped through the first two rounds 2-1 but came up short against Bangkok Utd and they became the first team since losing in the Kor Royal Cup to beat us. It was a reasonably close game but they just out fought us in the end with Winothai grabbing a hat trick, he’s an experienced Thai striker and after the match I tried to sign him but they wanted silly money.

fa-cup-rounds

The run to the final of the FA CUP was easy, I was disappointed not to send a few more goals past the lower league sides we faced early on but we got through. I was on fire in this tournament and I even laid a few on for my teammates, maybe I was hung over. In the Quarter Final Dangda sent us through with two great goals in extra time one headed from a fantastic cross by me.

After the match he asked for a new contract, cheeky c*nt thought he deserved one but I like him and he’s Thai so I gave him one. We’ve had some great nights out and one more followed to celebrate that new contract.

fa-cup-final

The FA Cup Final was a day of great joy and sadness, we won with ease and although it took a while for us to get the first goals which of course came through me it was never really in doubt. The saddest part of today was that after the game I realised I didn’t have it in me any more, I’d come across several opportunities to try some new things. I started to desire these things more than I did the daily grind of keeping relatively fit. I’d scored in the FA Cup Final I’d had my best season ever, so now it was time to hang up my boots and start a real managerial career.

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The match also proved to be the last for Xisco, he might be an ex-Mag tw*t but he was a decent strike partner dropping 26 goals in 29 games. He’d come to me a few days before the Final and declared he wanted to move to a better league, I couldn’t blame him, f*ck if I’d been offered a chance to play in Spain I’d have moved there straight away pending criminal investigation of course.

best-11

The best 11 was no surprise neither was the fact that I overwhelmingly won the fans player of the year. Me, Xisco and Songkrasin were a formidable threesome up front now with my retirement I had to replace myself and Xisco a tough ask to find quality players to come to this league.

nasser

ruan

First port of call was to replace me and Xisco, I needed a targetman and Yousef Nasser was available for £2 million it’s a bit steep but he’s the best we could find, so I told the board to get him signed up. Then came Ruan for £150k some dodgy agent told me he was available so I decided to take a punt on the lad.

Now I guess that ends this chapter, I’m not even sure this book will ever get released but now’s time to concentrate on the second season and the first I won’t be playing in since the 90’s. My career was over but this has opened a new door to me, I guess the question is how long will I remain in Thailand before being tempted to a bigger club if I am successful, I suppose you’ll all find out soon enough………………..

2 thoughts on “The Epiphany of a 40lb Pussy”

  1. Awesome stuff. That 5212 looked a bit rigid in display, but having a fluid shape helped a lot I think. I imagine the team where overloaded in the center and with crosses. Looking forward to seeing Mac move out from Thailand onto bigger clubs

    1. Thanks, I’m not convinced by the tactic I mean we blitzed the league but Mac and Xisco scored so many goals I think a fair bit of the success was them rather than the tactics. Another couple of seasons and I’ll be off if something tempts me that I can realistically get

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