From Banging Cock To Bangkok

Before you read this, I should point out that some people might find this highly offensive. So if you are easily offended or sensitive then you really should avoid this FM story and click off the page now due to the content being offensive along with offensive images.

This is written by guest author @AcidBurnTNA and is a glimpse into the back story behind his Football Manager 2017 character. It’s different to anything else you’ll have read about Football Manager I’ll guarantee you that. Be sure to give him a follow on his twitter account above if you have questions or enjoyed his story.

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With our upcoming documentary due to air on 18th April 2016 entitled “Off The Rails” we thought we’d use ESPN.com to give a run down on what to expect. Ant Mac a man whose career blossomed as a young English striker and then turned bad when he was involved in controversy after controversy. He’s wondered the world and whilst he’s sitting on over 500 goals in all competition many refuse to acknowledge the ability he has due to him scoring in minor leagues. He’s a name you won’t hear mentioned often but at one point he was the great hope of English football.

Whilst Ant Mac refused to sit down with us and talk about his own career he did provide several quotes one for each of the clubs he spent time at. Given his current situation it’s unlikely we’ll ever hear from him again.

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The Crewe Years 1994-1997

Bursting onto the scene as a 19-year-old following his release from Shrewsbury academy he bagged 9 leagues goals in 15 games being as 11 of those games were substitute appearances he quickly earnt his first professional contract. Over the next two seasons he scored an impressive 60 goals in 68 games but also served suspensions for shoving a referee, failing a drugs test and finally stamping on a grounded opponent in what many describe as a cowardly move.

“I was sitting down in my farmhouse watching two sweaty men grinding against each other fighting for the PCFGJSGW Poppy memorial trophy, when my pigs were screaming. I went outside and saw Mr Mac and two other lads running off with my prize pig Penelope, I never saw her beautiful face again. Knowing what I know about him now he probably put his d*ck in her…….(starts sobbing) I’ll never forget you Penelope” Darren The Pig Farmer

Still this wasn’t enough to put off Sunderland who signed him from Crewe for £100,000 after wanting rid of the disruptive influence the young man had on the dressing room.

“I liked my time in Crewe it’s just a pity it’s a f*cking sh*t hole filled with foreigners and the unemployed but at least it’s got a train station which made my exit easy”

“He was a w*nker, if it moved he’d try to f*ck it and if it didn’t he’d probably have a go anyway. Though he was the dogs bollocks, I laugh every time he messed up and threw his life away” Jack Hackett former Crewe player

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“He was always coming down to my gym, had to throw him out four times, what did he expect? He never worked out just perved on all the ladies. One time I caught him sniffing the exercise bike seat, what kind of freak is he?” Danielle Gear ex-owner of Extra Meat Gym

Back Home

Ant Mac was signed by his home town club Sunderland surely this would be enough to help the angry young man focus on football rather than extra activities. However it took him just 4 matches when he was banned for 10 matches, during a heated FA Cup match Mac kicked Roy Keane square in the groin, he got 5 matches for that and a further 5 for telling the FA to stick their ban up their out of touch, deluded tight, w*nker arses on an episode of Match of the Day.

He soon bounced back and finished the season with 20 goals. A focused Mac returned the following season to hit 40 goals in 45 matches firing Sunderland to the Premier League. A phenomenal Premiership debut season saw him bang in 33 goals leading to  shock interest from Barcelona.

“I loved Sunderland and I always will but lets face it would you rather be banging some Spanish chick or a girl with cheesy chips dripping down her face covered in her own sick? Easy choice yes”

“I trained Mac and as a player he was skillful, he had finishing, power and flair but as a man he was a total tool. We had to bail him out of jail 7 times during his time here, I’m glad Barcelona came in for him I only wish it was further away so I didn’t have to see him again.” Billy Butcher former Sunderland coach

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“It’s a good job he had a lot of money the things he asked us to do were awful and it took four of us, he must have been sore for weeks, I’m surprised he managed to play two days later.” Call girl no2, Mac hired all four to celebrate his England debut and was later fined for trashing the hotel

England Star!

After his first handful of games for Sunderland Ant Mac got called up by England he went on to have 21 caps scoring an incredible 34 goals although 6 were against Thailand, 8 in one match against San Marino and 4 against Scotland. However after signing for Barcelona he’d never represent England again.

It was during his time with England where people really started to question his morality, during friendlies he visited and forged strong links with Putin in Russia, the Kim family in North Korea, the Thai royal family, Eduardo Cortez who himself has links to the Mexican drug cartel, surely alarm bells were ringing at this time.

“A Sunderland player scoring for fun for England then he goes and f*cks it all up, I met him once at a house party in Sunderland I walked into the bedroom to find him *** ****** **** ****** ***** **** ** * **** ***, what do you mean you can’t use that as a quote?” Andy Bell Sunderland fan.

“Playing for England meant the world to me but man was the squad made up of some major league pricks, no wonder they always bottle it”

It’s a Long Fall From The Top

“I predict superstardom for Mac now he’s moved from Sunderland to Barcelona, one day he’ll return to England hopefully in a Liverpool shirt but for now nothing but goals and trophies are in his future” Alex the Red 47, Coventry

To use a well-known British phrase this is where things went “tits up” what was supposed to be a dream move turned into a nightmare. Things started well 15 goals in 12 matches then came the fall, Mac was arrested in possession of 2 kilo of cocaine and to make matters worse, he was arrested whilst in bed with the Barcelona president’s daughter. When police searched his home they found a further 5 kilos of cocaine and a huge stash of illegal pornography. The fall had come and it had hit hard Mac was fired from Barcelona and jailed for 18 months.

“Barcelona were tight with the wages they were paying me, how am I supposed to live on a few grand a week?”

“Hell no I didn’t know about the drugs, I mean I knew he was dodgy and I’d done a few lines with him from time to time but that much is just dangerous. I tell you one thing he snorted it quicker than Henry the f*cking Hoover would have….” Stephen Thompson former owner of Tits and Tatts bar in Barcelona.

Taking a Chance

After his release from prison on 14th January 2002 Mac passed many drugs tests and was allowed back into football he headed to Holland where RKC Waalwijk manager Abraham Managervich took a chance on him. The chance worked out with Mac banging in 14 in 14 and staying out of trouble completely. However RKC only signed him on a 6 month deal and Mac was approached by Al Ahli who offered him £120,000 a week.

“£120k a week of course I went for the money, I mean it’s not as if I went for the p*ssy, drink and drugs is it? I was a clean man at that point”

“We are hopeful that Ant Mac can find himself at his new club. His…’activities’ meant that this family like club was not a good fit for him. However, I think our local bar owners are sad to see him go…” Abraham Managervich of RKC Waalwijk

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“Don’t let the womanizing fool you, this pervert loves the cock and I mean really loves it” Ten Inch Torrie, ex-porn star real name Suki Rimhead

The Flogging

21 goals in 30 games in Saudi Arabia but Mac’s time didn’t last long, he was caught and once again arrested with 400 ecstasy tablets, 85 tabs of acid and 22 litres of Jack Daniels. He was released on house arrest and due to receive 50 public lashings, in what was considered a lenient punishment. Some how Mac escaped and popped up next in Mexico.

“Was I f*ck going to stay there to be beaten, if I wanted beating I’d want w*nking off at the same time”

“These Middle Eastern countries think it’s so hard for people to get away, truth is it was easy everybody has a price and I simply arranged for the right people to be in the right places and with some help from my contacts I got him out of the country before those sick bastards could publicly whip his ass” Cleon, Ant Mac’s “Fixer”

The Land of the Free Mexico

Mac signed for America MEX and with 12 goals in 32 games and weighing in at 17 stone it was a miserable season for him and he was constantly booed off the pitch however after he returned for his second season in great shape and playing some of the best football of his career but then came the money again.

“I liked Mexico, the sh*t you can get away with down there is amazing”

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“Ant Mac? Sure he came round here a lot, we thought soccer players were all pussies but man he was one sick b*stard, sh*t the things he’d get up to he could have been one of us” Eduardo Pussyman Head Doorman of Titty Twister

New York New York

With Mac admitting he was swimming in debt the chance to earn £90k a week in New York was too much to turn down however as usual, his self-destructive behaviour would end it all. In a preseason friendly against Chelsea, Mac scored and celebrated in front of the Chelsea bench this incited Mourinho to jump off the bench and get in Mac’s face. Given Mac’s volatile behaviour this was a bad move without think Mac headbutts Mourinho breaking his nose and sending him crashing to the floor. John Terry came and shoved Mac who punched him in the face knocking him clean out, eventually the situation was controlled and the match was abandoned.

“I hate that c*nt and I’d love to do exactly the same again”

“The only thing I have to say about him is he shouldn’t be allowed to work anywhere period, throw him in jail and throw away the key, the man is a menace, I have nothing else to say about him.” Jose Mourinho

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“We did this TV show where me and my colleagues sat down with various sports stars, we couldn’t broadcast ninety percent of the stuff Mac told us. In all my years I’ve never seen one man manifest so many extreme sexual appetites, he’s clearly got deep-rooted issues that he doesn’t seem to want to solve. I fear he is beyond help” Dr Phil host of Dr Phil’s Sports Star Confessions

The Quiet Years

After hiring Cleon The Fixer as his “agent” the next three years were quiet for Mac as he moved for money to Qatar after New York terminated his contract, he then spent a season playing for Velez as he wanted to see what Argentina was like. Then in a strange move he spent a season playing for Chapecoense in the Brazilian Third Division, many believe this was due to the strange Mexican purchase of the club who were forced out after a couple of seasons due to links to a criminal betting syndicate. This brought up many questions about Mac and the strange throwins he’d concede within a minute of starting, a FIFA investigation took place and Mac was handed an 18 month ban from all football.

“I didn’t take any money from anyone, lets just say there were other rewards on offer that suited my personality much more than a few quid”

“I did my job perfectly for a few years then the dumb bastard goes and accepts bribes so he has someone unique as he described it to put his c*ck in, screw that I resigned after that there’s only so much I can fix” Cleon The Fixer

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“All I’ll say is that it was 41 seconds of my life I’ll never get back”

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“Every few months Mac would visit my place in Thailand, what can I say this man has a fetish for cheap hookers, really cheap woman, man and anything in between. Despite them costing him $5 a go he’s made me thousands.” Owner of Polo Entertainment brothel in Muangthong Thailand

A Big Up Yours To FIFA

With a couple of months of his ban to serve the football world was shocked when Mac announced he’d signed for April 25 in North Korea. During his time as an England footballer Mac made many relationships around the world forging strong links with the Kim ruling family of North Korea, the royal family of Thailand and even Vladimir Putin. Mac scored a lot of goals in North Korea but once his ban was done and his first season finished he was off again.

“North Korea was strange over 100,000 people at some matches but they were quiet almost as if they’d been forced to watch at gun point or something but we all know that would never happen…………”

“We don’t discuss domestic matter with Western infidel puppet media” Wan Kee Fase, Mac’s April 25 strike partner

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Dictator to Dictator?

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On March 22nd 2012 Mac was spotted with Putin who had bought a minority stake in Russian club CSKA Moscow. He then penned a two-year deal with the club and went on to play some of his best football despite his increasing age and poor fitness levels. Once again though controversy struck and in Russia it’s not the sort of controversy you want, a sex tape was leaked by three Russian prostitutes problem is one of them was a pre-op transsexual and that sort of things just doesn’t go in Russia. Despite a strong relationship with Putin political pressure forced him to have Mac deported from Russia.

“Strange Putin would have me deported being as he’s so far in the closet himself” Ant Mac

“Having been playing in Russia for a few years I knew where to go and where Mac could satisfy his needs, I’m not into half the crazy sh*t he’s into but each to their own I suppose. Then that tape came out I felt a bit of guilt as I hired the prostitutes but I didn’t expect one to have a cock” Rick O’Shea former CSKA Moscow teammate.

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“It was like the others didn’t even exist, all his focus was on me you can see for yourself in the video it’s all over the internet” Russian pre-op call girl Romana

Back Home via Georgia

Surprisingly Mac found himself in Georgia playing for Dynamo Tbilisi where for once no controversy followed him and he had a decent season but also found himself missing England. It was here a struggling Crewe side brought him home. It was a sign of how troubled the club were that a family club like Crewe Alex would take such a risk on a player with so much bad history. Mac went on to score a lot of goals but in January his biggest controversy hit………

“Crewe is my home away from home and one day I’d love to return if circumstances allow it” Ant Mac

“The man’s a clown, a tragedy in a football shirt, I warned the board against signing a man with zero morals and zero respect for football and look what happens.” John McBaws former Crewe coach who resigned and went to Aberdeen in protest of Mac signing

The Disappearance of Ant Mac

On January 4th 2016 police were called to a house in Cheshire rented by Mac, inside the home Mac was found passed out on the toilet with a belt tied round his neck and was completely naked. Opposite the toilet door was two bodies both dead. One belonged to Romanian super model Ivanca Cumfacev and the other to 21-year-old Crewe born mother of 8 Chantelle Demi Creswell. Mac was transferred to a hospital and treated for heroin use, police wanted to question him as the women had died in suspicious circumstances but that wasn’t all.

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“I put a curse on Ant Mac he will burn for what he’s done burn burn burn HAHHAHAHA”

Police found the body of Mac’s Vietnamese wife Yu Tong Rim at his other home along with several kilo of cocaine. However Mac some how left the hospital and ended up some how getting to Thailand. Due to his connections with the royals of Thailand Mac was immediately given citizenship and due to the political stance of Thai citizens they have refused to have him deported from the country for questioning.

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Then in an even more shocking move Mac was named as player manager of Muangthong Utd. So the question is will Mac ever leave Thailand? Can someone with a past like this even make it in football management? Will he be allowed to take the required badges? Will he lose his wanted tag? Will the media in England report on his progress as a manager? We’ll find out soon enough.

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