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Football Bastard 2018 and the Necrophiliac

The notorious Ant Mac is back with his latest exploits in chapter three of his story.

Before you read this, I should point out that some people might find this highly offensive both in terms of the language used and the images. So if you are easily offended or don’t like explicit graphical content then you really should avoid this FM story and click off the page now due to the content being offensive along with offensive images.

This is written by guest author @AcidBurnTNA and is a glimpse into the back story behind his Football Manager 2017 character. It’s different to anything else you’ll have read about Football Manager I’ll guarantee you that. Be sure to give him a follow on his twitter account above if you have questions or enjoyed his story.

hello-kitty

Dear Diary,

Today we lost again in the Kor Royal Cup we battered them and they scored a couple of lucky goals leading to us being defeated 2-1. You know me better than anyone as I share my words with you on a daily basis, I had to drown my sorrows and the only way to do that is through drink, drugs and sex.

kor-royal-cup

I headed to my hotel room that I use for all this kind of stuff and asked Tsu Beardberg to send me up two young whores one woman and one lady boy. I was in the mood to fuck someone to death and take my frustrations out on some poor thing’s orifice. Within an hour Tsu had sent them, the girl was pretty, very pretty and the lady boy was exactly how I like them, deceptively female looking but a massive cock between her legs and there’s no better feeling than pounding away at some ass as your balls slap against another pair of balls.

thai-hooker-2

We were all off our faces and drinking then the sex began after I snorted a line of coke off her hard cock. The girl had passed out in the bathroom but I wasn’t too bothered after all it was a buy one get one free on my loyalty card and I was left with a young lady boy for my pleasure.

thai-hooker-1

As I began to pound away I could feel myself feeling angry and gaining more anger with every thrust. I looked her in the face and I could see her take on the form of the referee from the match, the cheering happy opposition fans, the celebrating players, staff and manager, the idiot press asking how we lost. I began to choke her as I fucked her, but all I could see were people mocking me.

I locked my grip harder as I thrust and she began to struggle, I didn’t care this thing had become the proxy for my anger, I could see the life draining from her eyes slowly but surely she was dying in my hands but it only made me harder, I stared into her dying eyes and got more and more turned on, she meant nothing to anyone so why stop? Morals? Never been a problem for me. Consequences? I could get out of anything, then CRACK.

I’d broken her neck , taken her life in frustration. Then the realisation of what I’d done hit me hard. I’d paid $12 for this lady boy, brought her to this room and I’d killed her but more importantly I hadn’t cum and for $12 I better cum. I flipped her around as the corpse flapped about and I fucked that dead hole until I finished off and I came harder than I’ve ever cum before.

Then things got worse the passed out hooker woke up and started screaming, I did what anyone would do and punched her in the face, threw her in the bathroom and rang Cleon. Luckily he was in Bangkok at the time and managed to get round to the hotel in no time. He told me it’d be extra to get rid of the living one, so I paid up. He pulled a gun from his pocket and put a silencer on the end with great precision he shot through the bathroom door and I heard a thud and then blood ran under the door.

Don’t worry I’ll take care of it he said, he also told me there was a guy who wanted to meet me about a potential hook up for something that’d line my pockets. I thought why not go meet them, I could do with some extra cash having paid him to get rid of these two bodies so I could carry on my managerial career.

8 Months later………………………………………

league-fixtures

The troublesome events of the hookers was soon forgotten and the Kor Royal Cup defeat forgotten even quicker, we bounced straight into a 14-0 win and everyone was finding their feet. We were close to another unbeaten season but when I had to go to the STD clinic I was signed off all work for a few weeks, during that time my idiot assistant managed the unthinkable and lost two games in a row.

league-table

The defeats didn’t matter we’d won the league quickly enough and I suppose the games were an after thought as we progressed surprisingly through the Asian Champions League. With just the upcoming finals to play to finish off my season Cleon had called about the potentially lucrative meeting he’d set up. Sure it had taken 8 months but this was due to the team clearing up some legal issues and stuff, I had to meet some guy about something in some hotel, sounded dodgy…………………

lucas

I meet him at the hotel, he said he’d be the one wearing the pug shirt and he wasnt’ wrong, the crazy f*ck had even dressed his pug in a tshirt with his face on. I approached him and told him who I was, which was silly as he obviously knew, and your named I asked?

Lucas……..

Lucas what?

Nothing just Lucas

Just Lucas?

Yeah like Prince, Cher, Ryback, Beyonce, Madonna etc

What the f*ck is a Ryback? Nevermind what’s this all about?

We want to create a football management game but with a twist, a multi genre game including all off the field activities that are your speciality. The football management genre has no competition to the main game and no competition breeds complacency, if we offer something different we can take them out and become number one

So why do you need me?

Well you are the face of controversy in the football world, your activities off the pitch are what makes you a cult character. You sit there endorse the game give us a few ideas and appear at the launch and that’s it we’ll do all the rest.

So I just tell you what I get up to and you put it in a game? Can you play the matches?

No it’s just a management game

Why would someone buy a game where they can’t play? Sounds a bit sad to me

Trust me there’s a lot of sad people out there who like to pretend to have a life like yours, give me a few weeks and I’ll set up a meeting with the CEO of the company behind the game.

Yeah go for it……………………………………..

I didn’t expect to hear from them again seemed a hair brained idea to me, there’s seriously a market for watching blobs slide around a football pitch while you try to get York f*cking City to the Premier League. Anyway I had more to focus on three finals within the space of a week or so.

league-cup-results

Not as important as the FA Cup but given that we’d failed to win this one last season after defeat to Bangkok I needed to bag it. Getting to the final as you can see was really easy only Bangkok Glass put up a fight which was unusual as they’re usually sh*te. The final was also a breeze  a 4-1 win in a match we dominated and Nasser continued his epic goal scoring, it was one down and two to go.

fa-cup-results

Then came the FA Cup to make it a clean sweep domestically, some tricky ties here Nasser bagging us through against Chonburi in a close match before we hit cruiser control and got through the next few matches easily. The biggest fight came from Phuket a place I have a great love for, if they weren’t so crap I’d move there for the hookers alone. They should have been a breeze but they took us to extra time. Fortunately, the reserve team I fielded eventually came out on top to send us through.

The semifinal was also easy although we squandered chance after chance and should have been about five up by half time. Then the match that mattered the final, I expected to smash them but it took us until the 85th minute to go a head when the smallest player on the pitch Songkrasin put us a head.

We’d done it a domestic treble!

champions-league-results

People didn’t even expect us to get out of the group stages of the Champions League but we did it relatively easy, I expected Shanggang to be the team that would trash us but luckily we played them at home first and managed a 2-0 win. After our first defeat we played Frontale a team we’d already beaten away, if we won we’d be through we dispatched of them 4-1 then lost the last game but that didn’t matter we were through.

More Australian opposition awaited we drew 1-1 but then ran riot at home smashing 9 goals past them to get into the quarter finals. In the quarter finals I almost shat myself, Suwon were no competition at our Thunderdome but away at their place they scored every chance they had the first half, I mean we were 3-0 down and they’d have two shots on goal. The last few minutes were terrifying but somehow we held on and booked a semifinal place.

More Chinese opposition, and another home win but only 2-1 then came the away leg. We scored a offside goal in the first half and they had a man sent off after 37 minutes. It took us a while but we eventually broke them down in the last 20 minutes, we were in the final.

asian-cl-leg-1

asian-cl-leg-2

The final had arrived, first leg 4-2 up so we went in with an advantage for the second leg once again the team made me sh*te myself as we went 3-0 down really quick. However we got back into it after some firm words at half time to arsehole players we came out fighting to get back to 3-2 and win the Asian Champions League.

boon

Then it was time for a holiday in the FIFA Club World Cup, a time for excessive drinking, drugs and sex then they tell me it’s hosted in the United f*cking Arab f*cking Emirates. What kind of dildo picks that place to host anything at all. Finding any of the three necessities of life there is like trying to find a virgin girl over 14 in Crewe.

alex

The place was a mess and so was the football, we played Al-Ain first a team that had won f*ck all and shouldn’t have been there we lost on penalties after a 4-4 draw. The fifth place playoff saw us lose again on penalties after a 3-3 draw.

Then came my next decision, if Thailand was a computer game I’d have completed it. I went to the board and they gave a collective sigh of relief as I told them I wanted to quit.

best-11-of-season

The team looked really good Nasser was great at replacing me teaming up with Dangda they were a very potent attack with Ruan backing them up and rotating in with either. Defence solid, full backs great as usual, I’m surprised the game didn’t include Songkrasin at AMC. We’d changed formation from last year as we really didn’t need the extra CB, the RB and LB attacked just as much as wingbacks would free up a space at the back to put another CM in. Our football looked a lot more attractive than last season.

season-awards

I’d left the club in a strong position and now it was time to leave them and let someone else have a go, I didn’t have a clue where I’d end up but it just felt right to go. Then came the phone call to meet the person who wanted me to be the face of their computer game…………

dazza

donkey-dick-gaming

“Hi I’m Steve Regen head of Donkey Dick Gaming” He greeted me with a cheesy grin and buckets of sweat dripping onto his cheap suit.  I was suspicious but then he used his iPad and transferred £250,000 straight into my dog’s account in Monaco. After a brief introductory chat I was starting to like this bloke, we made our way to the Suck Suck Bar a place which is exactly what it sounds like. You buy your drink and under the table you receive a good old-fashioned blow job.

Our conversation took place over several shots of bourbon whilst some poor little Thai girl sucked us off. It wasn’t the first time I’d conducted a business deal looking into the eyes of a man orgasaming and I doubt it’d be the last.

So why do you want me to be the face of this game?

Well look at where we are, look at your life, we’ve got big plans for this game to provide things no other management game ever has.

Like what?

Several genres mashed into one game, more fun based than anything else ever

And all you want from me is some ideas and an appearance at the launch?

Yep that’s all and for that I’ll give you £5 for every game we sell, deal?

Deal.

There’s just one problem though, you need a job for the launch if you get a job we’ll provide another £250,000 bonus.

No problem

We shook hands and went our separate ways, Steve the horny bastard wasn’t finished in the bar come brothel and headed up to the room of the premiere Thai she male Polly Python, rumour has it she’s got a 13 inch penis and at $500 a go she better had. I’d never bothered as I like my hookers like I like my ex-wife ……………..dead and cheap.

I got on the phone to my royal family connections and through some diplomatic connections they had they said they’d get me a job before the release of the game.

e3-logo

ign-logo

We sat down with the face of a new football game looking to take the genre by storm and change what is and isn’t acceptable in simulation games. With Bangkok playing host to the E3 gaming convention it was here we met the team. The is what we found out.

EDIT – Since it’s launch the game has found reviews to be mixed at best, the football management side of the game seems to resemble management games from the 1990’s. It’s clear all the team’s effort went into the mini games, they’re actually fun to play but overly gory and the whole sexual element of the game is frankly unneeded and unasked for.

football-bastard-2018

IGN – We’re here with Ant Mac the face of Football Bastard 2018, described as a multi genre management game, he’s also here with lead programmer and the man behind the game Lucas, Lucas do you have a surname?

Lucas – No, I am just Lucas?

IGN – Just Lucas?

Lucas – Yes like Pink, Sting, Seal, Gandalf or Babe

IGN – Babe?

Lucas – Yeah as in the little pig

pug-mask

IGN – Why are you wearing a pug mask?

Lucas – I do not wish to be identified, I need a certain mystique to my nature….

IGN – Okay, Anyway let’s get to the business at hand, Ant Mac. Football Bastard what’s it about?

Ant Mac – Well you play as a football manager but there’s more option for stuff outside of the management side of things.

IGN – So this is the “features list”

  • Over 15 tactical formations.
  • State of the art graphics.
  • Huge player database.
  • Every league in the world.
  • Over 10,000 sexual and illegal player/manager/staff scenarios.
  • Future DLC will provide famous faces for your in game wife/husband.
  • Historical player, start in any decade from 1880 onwards.
  • Multi genre mini games.
  • Total control over players life and death…………..

IGN – So first off 15 formations, there’s a lot more than that in real life.

Ant Mac – Is there? Are you a manager? No. There’s barely 15 I mean seriously who wants to play anything but a 442, 433, or a 451 if you’re really crazy you can deploy wingbacks or a 4312 like my teams in real life. You’d have to be a total c*nt to want to play a 3-2-1-3-1 2-4-2-3-1 or what ever they crazy formations are and don’t get me started on two at the back.

IGN – You claim state of the art graphics but this is a screen shot of the match engine is this what you’d call state of the art?

fifa-95-pic

Ant Mac – Pug boy you wanna answer this one?

Lucas – Sure the in-game graphics aren’t great but come on it’s what’s under the hood that counts plus do you want to look at FIFA like graphics and this…….

lara

Lucas – Or do you want modest graphics and to look at this during the strip tease mini game……..

naked

IGN – Some would want both in today’s gaming market

Ant Mac – Well boo f*cking hoo.

IGN – Tell us about the huge player database

Ant Mac – We have a league in every country that has football over 200 countries are represented in the game but licensing was an issue.

IGN – Licensing?

Lucas – Yeah we couldn’t get any real names for any leagues, teams or players

Ant Mac – So if you don’t use an edited file that some sad computer nerd will make you’ll be in a world where Leo Mossi is the best player in the world or Luis Saarez or Lee Cittermole.

frankie

IGN – And you consider this okay?

Ant Mac – Worked for Sensible Soccer and that’s the greatest sports game of all time!

IGN – The  sexual encounters has certainly got people talking, how did it come about?

Lucas – Well with someone like Ant Mac endorsing the game his vast experience of sexual deviancy certainly helped but our team of researchers have come up with over 10,000 scenarios that can strike any player at any time.

IGN – Such As?

Ant Mac – Orgies, drug busts, sex trafficking, necrophilia, pedophilia, gerontophilia, sex slaves, BDSM scandal, sexual relations with team mates wives, money laundering, bribery, blackmail, threatening behaviour, kidnapping, assault, murder, rape, illegal porn bust, flashing, stalking, sniffing a team mates pants, growing weed, running business through the mafia, hiring hitmen, I’m sure you get the point!

IGN – Future DLC for famous wives and husbands?

Lucas – Well we’re in talks with FistingFish a new sexual VR company in Japan, if things go as planned you’ll be able to use certain sexual aids compatible with VR technology to make it seem like your having sex with whoever you import as your wife.

jedi

IGN – I think we’ll move on now. Historical play is interesting?

Ant Mac – Who doesn’t want to go back and manage in the 1800’s, with our game you can and as you travel through time you can choose if certain real life rules will come into play or not. And given our unique-ish DB all players will be “real” so to speak.

IGN – Well that’s certainly a plus, so the next point that excites most the multi genre stuff, what exactly do you mean by that?

Lucas – We’ve worked hard to program several mini games that respond the scenarios we told you about earlier. We’ve got everything you could dream of, racing away from police after a bust in a GTA mini game which we’ll be looking to add many real life cities to. We’ve got a Sim City style mode for building around your ground and even a Sims mode for designing your very own house, what’s the point in wages if you can’t spend the damn cash?

Ant Mac – Think of it as Sims, Sim City and GTA all had a w*nk in a bottle and stuck the bottle up Football Manager’s big fat c*nt. 9 months later out plops our game!

IGN – And you think there’s a market for this kind of thing?

Ant Mac – Are you serious? These f*cking nerds spend hours and hours writing sh*te about their games on forums and social media. Some even pretend to be controversial characters, that’s right they actually sit there and write out their “managers” whole f*cking life. These bunch of virgins have never seen a real p*ssy so once that VR is out those backwards tw*ts are gonna milk it for all it’s worth!

IGN – Surely it’s not good to speak about potential customers like that?

Ant Mac – What are they gonna do, moan on social media?

IGN – So when’s the game out then?

Lucas – August 5th 2018

IGN – Thanks very much for your time.

tosno-badge

daniel

fm-pressure

After the E3 gaming convention I headed back to my hotel and received a phone call from the chairman of a side called Tosno in Russia, they were a pretty new club formed in 2013 and they were interested in me becoming their manager. The squad wasn’t great but they gave me £5m transfer budget and it was time to head to Russia for the next step of my career…….

tonso

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