A Tale of Two Twats

The notorious Ant Mac is back with his latest exploits in chapter four of his story.

Before you read this, I should point out that some people might find this highly offensive both in terms of the language used and the images. So if you are easily offended or don’t like explicit graphical content then you really should avoid this FM story and click off the page now due to the content being offensive along with offensive images.

That was it I was finally allowed back into the country and cleared of all charges (EDITOR: All will be revealed in the next post about dodged a triple homicide charge), I’d flown in from Tosno and been picked up and driven to my home town Whitchurch, home sweet home, the familiar smell of teenage pregnancy, ankle tags, weed, homelessness and Polish immigrants.

I’d met my parents and family we’d smashed some black sambuca, cheeky vimtos and WKDs then it was time to head to Manchester for this TV show. It’s a live 30 minute special on ITV hosted by Gabby Logan who I’ve got a rich history with. I caught the train and it was surprisingly empty until just outside of Crewe when a colossal sized chavy looking girl got on.

She smiled at me and I nodded back, next thing I know I’m in the toilets finger blasting this mammoth of a creature luckily the smell of p*ss covered up the smell of her cloat. She said she was 16 but I’m not sure however it was a risk I was willing to take, maybe I’d find out her true age from Yewtree in about 15 years time.

She went down on me and I was surprised how well she performed given the complete lack of a neck. After a few minutes she said “let me know when you’re gonna cum. “Of course I will” I lied. I f*cked her face harder and harder as the ripples of flesh bounced under her Lonsdale track suit like a neon pink and yellow tsunami of flesh. I finished off and left the toilets with her choking and being sick……..

Goddamn it was good to be home!!


I arrived at the studio and settled in by having a few beers then it was time to start, I was shown to the studio floor and greeted by Gabby, once we were alone I told her I wanted a repeat of the rampant night of bum sex we’d done in the late 90’s. “yeah, no chance you f*cking pig, come anywhere near me and I’ll cut your f*cking balls off you fat piece of sh*t”

I’m guessing that was a no or maybe a I’ll think about it. We sat down ready for the interview I looked her up and down.

CAMERA MAN – We’re on air in 30 seconds.

I placed my hand on her thigh and stroked her leg, she responded by slapping me hard in the face. Probably enough to put most people off but not me, I f*cking loved it, I was about to go live on air with a semi on.

CAMERA MAN – And we’re live in 5……….4……..3………2……..1


GABBY – Welcome to the show folks, I’m here with possibly the most controversial figure in modern football. With all charges dropped and Ant Mac cleared of murder charges it’s time for us to sit down and see what the man is really like. Welcome Ant, how are you today?

ANT MAC – Better for seeing you………

GABBY – Okay, so after success in Thailand you’re now the manager of Tosno in Russia how did that come about?

ANT MAC – Well I’ve acquired a few contacts over my career and once I hit success in Asia and brilliantly led Muangthong to an Asian Champions League trophy I knew it was time to test myself in Europe. I had a few offers on the table but Tonso interested me the most out of all of them.

GABBY – And how have you started the season?

ANT MAC – Well I signed a couple of people from Muangthong, Nasser up front and the Korean lad in midfield both who so far have been great.


GABBY – Well that’s the league table at the winter break things are looking good.

ANT MAC – Yeah, we were labelled second favourites for relegation and the board wanted me to avoid automatic relegation yet there we are sitting in 5th and we’ve won four of the last five including smashing helpless Ural 7-0 in their own backyard with Hueng scoring three and setting three up, great stuff.


GABBY – It’s not all roses though it is? We’ve heard rumours of a clash between you and your assistant manager Hard Onjerkeetov any truth in that?

ANT MAC – Well sort of, we work well together when it comes to the football but he’s a massive prude with no life outside of Tonso football club.

GABBY – So you don’t get on then?

ANT MAC – Not really but it’d cost too much to sack him.

GABBY – Have you changed the way you play from your days in what many consider a weak league lacking competition in Thailand?

ANT MAC – Yeah I went to a lone striker which I normally hate to do but Tosno are hardly blessed with players like Muangthong were, especially up front.

GABBY – So what’s the aim for the season then?

ANT MAC – Well I’d like to get into European competition and if we keep going the way we are then we’ll get there but it would be a massive shock.

GABBY – Many eyebrows were raised when you spent when you spent £3 million on Anton Terekhov

ANT MAC – The lad’s found his feet and been great, people don’t understand there are restrictions on players in Russia so I’ve had to make do with what I had and hoped to add a bit of quality here and there.

GABBY – There are rumours in the press that you’ll look to return to England one day in the near future, is that true?

ANT MAC – I’d love to, I held talks with Nottingham Forest but I decided against a move.

GABBY – Why?

ANT MAC – It would have meant leaving before the season finished in Tonso and I want to see what kind of budgets they will offer me for next season if I stay.

GABBY – Why not just ask them?

ANT MAC – That’s not how football works Gabby, everyone knows you’re given a list of four maybe five things you can say and that’s it. If they give me enough to improve the squad I’ll stay if not I’m off.

GABBY – Well I’m sure there’s a few people willing to take a gamble on you!

ANT MAC – How about you, are you willing?

GABBY – Leave it, we’ll be back after the break with some expert analysis on Ant Mac’s time in Tonso and a look back at his Muangthong side. Luckily… I mean unluckily for you he has to leave now. Join me after the break……………………….

She looked p*ssed “You ever embarrass me like that again and you’ll regret it, now f*ck off and don’t expect to ever work with or see me again you sick twisted b*stard”


Damn, she was so hot when she was angry, I loved it and I bet deep down she did as well. I headed off set and back to the hotel bar for a few more drinks, I was disappointed to find it was a complete sausage fest and not the good kind. I went back to my hotel room and looked for some porn channels but even they were softcore. Sitting back I lit up a joint and let the sweet grasp of Mary Jane relax me but suddenly there was a knock at the door……….

I opened the door and was greeted with a hard punch to the face that sent me stumbling back towards the bed, through watering eyes and blood I could see it was Gabby Logan. She grabbed my belt off the side table and as I went towards her she kicked me hard right in the happy sacks. I fell to the floor and she wrapped the belt around my neck and tightened it, I was gasping for air as she grabbed the still smoking end of my joint and pressed it into my chest, it only gave me a raging hard on, it’d been nearly 20 years and she still knew exactly how to get me going.

“Listen you disgusting fat c*nt, you’re going to f*ck me like you’ve never f*cked anyone or anything before, then you’ll not tell a single soul about this. Now stay on your knees and pleasure me right this second you f*cking maggot”

Months later……………………………..

An artists impression of Ant Mac in the courtroom docks
An artists impression of Ant Mac in the courtroom docks

“We’re all here today to see Ant Mac answer the charges of stalking and harassment against Mrs Scarlett Johansson during her filming of the solo Black Widow film in Tosno Russia” Stated Judge Romanov.

Lawyer – Ms Johansson what happened on the 27th of May at your hotel room in Tosno?

Scarlett – Well I’d been for some food in the hotel restaurant with my co-star Robert and at around 11 oclock at night I headed up to my room. I opened the door and heard a strange noise coming from the bedroom, I slowly opened the door and saw the defendent Ant Mac stood there wearing my underwear and he was clearly aroused.

Lawyer – I know this is hard but what happened next?

Scarlett – I screamed and he ran to the window and down the fire escape, I was scared to go to sleep that night and had to have bodyguards with me for the rest of my trip.

Lawyer – How do you respond Mr Mac?

Mac – Okay it’s sort of true, I’d owed Terekhov a drink or two since he came off the bench and scored twice in the last few minutes against Sovetov to gift us a 3-2 win after going 2-0 down. We had a few drinks and Anton told me that the cast of Avengers were in the hotel room and him and his family are massive fans. So we decided to try to steal the script, we paid off a bellboy to give us the room number of the director but he gave us the wrong number.

Lawyer – So how did you end up with Ms Johansson’s underwear on?

Ant Mac – I wasn’t just wearing it…………… Anton waited and I went into the room but I got distracted by some skid marked pants on the floor, my call girls had cancelled on me and I needed a release, I did what any red-blooded male would do and put the soiled pants on and started to jerk off in them. Unfortunately Black Widow caught me and I made a sharp exit.

Lawyer – You think that’s normal?

Ant Mac – Well yeah, it is isn’t it?

Lawyer – You were also sighted in the same hotel terrorising Ms Johansson again just a few hours later weren’t you?


Ant Mac – As well as the drinks for Anton, the whole team came out we’d finished the season with a win but not scoring in a couple of the last few games cost us a place in European competition. It was a night of sorrow and happiness at our final league position.


Ant Mac – Sixth place so close to European football only a goal away. The lads were down and after a few more drinks following “skidsberg” Anton and Nasser said they’d hired a few girls as a celebration and asked if I wanted one.

Lawyer – This is where we call our next witness Mr Robert Downey Junior to the stand…….

An artists impression of a stupid American Mr Robert Downey Jnr

Lawyer – Mr Downey, what did you see that night?

Dickface Downey – I knew Scarlett was upset after catching that weirdo in her room, I stayed with her for a few hours and we heard some crashing outside the room, I took a look and there he stood right outside the room. Being the proud American I am I’d be damned if he’d get away with this so I marched up to him shoved him against the wall and told him to leave.

Ant Mac – That’s not exactly true, Mr Downey Jnr came out and confronted us, he tried to slap me but missed and hit the wall he was so pissed he slid down to the floor and threw up over himself. I remember it well because Nasser took a selfie with his balls in Mr Downey Jnr’s mouth.

Dickface Downey – Lies!!!

Ant Mac – It’s true it’s all over Twitter, I love that crazy Kuwaiti bastard I really do.

Dickface Downey – I’ll sue you for this, you and this entire joke of a country

Judge – Security have Mr Downey removed from this court room.

Dickface Downey – I’m Robert Downey Jnr, I am an acting GOD, I am the highest paid actor in the world. I am box office bitches, you will respect me.

Ant Mac – Bye bye you retired drag queen looking dick.

Lawyer – We call up Mr Mac’s assistant manager Hard Onjerkeetov. Mr Onjerkeetov you’ve worked closely with Mr Mac for a full season. How do you view him?

Hard Onjerkeetov – I respect the man’s ability as a manager but as a person he’s a disgrace. I continue to work with him as I am doubtful of finding new employment and I love the club but he will ruin it all eventually unless he’s stopped.

Lawyer – Thank you Mr Hard Onjerkeetov. Okay, but we have more. From the very next morning. Ms Johansson what happened a few days later?

Scarlett – I was having breakfast and Mr Mac approached me, I was scared for my life when he came up to me he was drooling with a sexually aggressive look in his eyes he began to rub himself and then he collapsed.

Lawyer – Any defence for this Mr Mac?

Ant Mac – That is true but it wasn’t my fault, Nasser and I continued drinking all night then he went and put some acid tabs in my drink. I was off my tits, I didn’t even realise it was Scarlett Johansson, all I did was go for a walk in the gardens. Suddenly everything changed  bright yellow brick road appeared in front of me I followed the yellow brick road to see where it took me. When I got to the breakfast place the wicked witch told me if I wanted to leave Oz I had to touch myself and wank my way home, then I collapsed.

Lawyer – And later that day when you were seen masturbating outside Ms Johansson’s room?



Ant Mac – Now that wasn’t my fault, my assistant had rung me to say I’d been awarded manager of the year and Anton had done a clean sweep of the fans awards, he also told me despite the award I was a disgrace to football and if I was still manager next season he’d be gone. We thought we’d carry on the celebrating even though we’d been on it overnight. Anton then told me he’d had a besotted fan that wanted to meet us both in the car park.

Lawyer – The car park isn’t that a bit strange?

Ant Mac – Who am I to deny the fans? She arrived and was very willing. So me and Anton double teamed her in the back of my Ford Galaxy. What Scarlett saw was me finishing off on her face.

Lawyer – So that’s the one thing you deny? You expect us to believe you were engaged in sexual activities for what the fourth time in 24 hours?

Ant Mac – Yes.

Lawyer – That’s all of the evidence your honour, we rest.

Judge – The jury is to disregard Mr Robert Downey Jnr’s evidence and let us know what decision you’ve come to. Any final words Mrs Johansson?

An artists impression of a visibly upset Scarlett Johansson
An artists impression of a visibly upset Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett – This man is a menace he needs sorting out and jail time. We are supposed to believe he took part in that much sexual activity in one night, give me a break.

Ant Mac – I’m sure if you hung around for another night I’d show you how much sexual activ………..

Judge – Silence Mr Mac!

A couple of hours later………….

Judge – The jury has come to a decision, they find Mr Mac guilty of harrassment and stalking and as such I sentence you to stay away from Mrs Scarlett Johnasson for the next 50 years you cannot come within 5 miles of her, you will also be fined £200,000 and pay all legal costs, on top of that if you commit any more acts of sexual deviancy you will be deported from Russia…………


Two weeks later……………………………

I sat alone in my hotel room, I’d rolled a joint and was banging some whiskey down, that c*nt of an assistant had testified against me in the court case and today he’d generally been an arsehole. Told me I’d better watch my back as he was going to take me out. It was then that my phone beeped……………………


I’d tried to resist as I knew it could cost me my job but it was no good she was more than just a pair of boobs and a massive throbbing cock to me. I never wanted anyone so badly, I text her to meet me at her hotel room as I knew she was in the country, she text back the address and said she was already there waiting and hard. I got a taxi to the hotel extremely quickly and ran up the stairs to her room, I swung open the door and there she was in all her glory…….


There she was, those breast, those legs, that face, those bum cheeks and that big erect penis. As soon as I saw her I was harder than Jimmy Saville in the morgue of St. Paedos children’s hospital. I dragged her on top of my face and it was like licking heaven itself.


Finally she was mine I didn’t give a f*ck about my job at Tosno, I only had this Goddess in my mind. F*ck Russia, f*ck football, f*ck the assistant manager but most of all f*ck this tight sexy beast in front of me.


It was over pretty quickly after some ferocious pounding I had to pull out and have her look me in the eyes as I reached orgasm.


I knew there’d be more to come and I knew what we both wanted next. I wiped her face clean with my tongue and she threw me onto the bed, I was bent over and vulnerable exactly how I liked it. I felt the tip of her massive erection pressing against my bum cheeks then BANG!

FREEZE I heard a voice shout, I spun around and it was the police. They’d found out about us and they arrested us both on the spot. I was taken down through the hotel lobby still naked….


As I was bundled into a car I saw my assistant manager talking to the police in charge of the arrest, he’d gone and grassed me up. He was announced Tosno manager the very next day and I was thrown out of Russia and told to never come back.

I had no home and nowhere to go but I had Suki with me, strangely my agent Daniel Gear rang me I could smell his cheap aftershave even over the phone. He’d just been released from jail for exposing himself to his ex-wife, problem was he was so drunk at the time he didn’t realise it was 3.15 and 25 feet from a Junior School playground. As I was getting off the plane in Manchester, he told me that I had a job offer on the table, he said get a flight to Germany now. Looks like it was time for me and Suki to start our journey afresh in Germany…………………………….


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